seano
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 1388
BERGALICIOUS
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« Reply #60 on: May 09, 2013, 07,58:43 AM » |
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Sod it, let's offend everyone!
I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him “I wish I had your will power.”
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any change?” I said “No, you're still black”.
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's wrong?” The boy says “Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."
I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ... which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair ?’ Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
A woman has a medical at the Doctors; “you are grossly overweight” he says. ”I want a 2nd opinion”, she exclaimed ” OK- you're bloody ugly as well.”
And your a moderator  ,very naughty but I love it   |
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It is nice to be important.
But it is more important to be nice.
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Serge C
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 3011
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« Reply #61 on: May 09, 2013, 09,01:49 AM » |
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Oh Robbo! You naughty, naughty boy! |
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"He may look like an idiot, he may sound like an idiot, but don't let that fool you...he really is an idiot!" - Groucho Marx.
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Ian Robinson
Administrator
Posts: 2551
Life Member
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« Reply #62 on: July 16, 2013, 06,29:37 AM » |
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Effect of these 4 words - I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she?
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Life member since Feb 82
Only a motorcyclist knows why a dog hangs its head out the window.
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Rodney
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 184
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« Reply #63 on: July 16, 2013, 09,52:49 AM » |
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Effect of these 4 words - I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she?
Gold! |
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Ian Robinson
Administrator
Posts: 2551
Life Member
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« Reply #64 on: August 22, 2013, 10,18:14 PM » |
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On The Bus
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman
next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
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Life member since Feb 82
Only a motorcyclist knows why a dog hangs its head out the window.
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sporto
Full Member 2012/2013
Posts: 32
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« Reply #65 on: August 29, 2013, 05,47:03 AM » |
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I've watered this down a little but it's still a little blue so if I've over stepped the boundaries then I apologise in advance! Here we go:
A guy walks in to a chemist and says "I need something to keep me hard all night. I've got 3 nymphomaniacs coming over and it's going to be the biggest night of my life!!" So the chemist hands over a bottle of small blue pills and says "Just take one, that will do just fine." To which the guy replies "One mate, this is the biggest night of my LIFE, I'm taking all of them!" With that the guys walks out of the chemist and heads home.
The next morning the same guys drags himself in to the chemist and he looks rat sh$t! Scratch marks all over him, bite marks, and looks like he hasn't slept for weeks. He walks over to the counter, flops his old fella on to the counter and it is red raw. The chemist walks over and the guy says "I need some deep heat". The chemist looks at him in dismay and says "You can't put deep heat on your dick!" The guys looks him right in the eye and says "It's not for my dick mate it's for my arms, the bitches didn't front"
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Current Ride - 2012 Berg FE390.
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Ian Robinson
Administrator
Posts: 2551
Life Member
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« Reply #66 on: October 31, 2013, 10,29:27 AM » |
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I going down in a lift yesterday, and a woman got in at the fourth floor. She had huge boobs and I was staring at them. When she said "Would you please press 1?", I did. I don't remember anything after that...
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Life member since Feb 82
Only a motorcyclist knows why a dog hangs its head out the window.
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Serge C
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 3011
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« Reply #67 on: October 31, 2013, 10,48:45 AM » |
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Oh Robbo, you naughty, naughty boy!  |
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"He may look like an idiot, he may sound like an idiot, but don't let that fool you...he really is an idiot!" - Groucho Marx.
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Zeb Colic
Full Member 2012/2013
Posts: 785
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« Reply #69 on: January 06, 2014, 10,04:25 AM » |
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Here is one I enjoyed .....
Rodney comes around a corner to head over a footbridge ...
As he rounds the corner he spots his ex girlfriend roxan standing on the hand rail ...
He yells " roxy what in the hell are you doing up their " she says " I am pregnant with your baby so I am going to jump of this bridge and kill myself "
Well old Rodney looks up at her with a smile on his face and says ... " Roxy not only were you a great root your a bloody dam good sport as well "
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SHE ASKED ME TO WISPER SOMETHING REALLY SEXY INTO HERE EAR AND I WISPERED " BRRRAAAAP "
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