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One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blondes friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"

One day in the great forest, a magical frog was
walking down to a water hole.  This forest was so big
that the frog had never seen another animal in all his
life.  By chance, today, a bear was chasing after a
rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop.  The frog said,
"Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I
will grant you both three wishes. 
Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he
was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest,
besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on.  The bear was amazed at the
stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish
that all the bears in the next forest were female as
well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately
hopped on it and gunned the engine.  The bear was
shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid
things, after all, he could have asked for money and
bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and
then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world,
besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I
wish that the bear was gay."

 When  the shearing sheds are silent and the stock  camps fallen quiet

When the gidgee coals  no longer glow across the outback  night

And the bush is forced to hang a  sign, '. gone broke and won't be  back'

And spirits fear to find a way  beyond the beaten track


When  harvesters stand derelict upon the wind swept  plains

And brave hearts pin their hopes  no more on chance of loving rains

When a  hundred outback settlements are ghost towns  overnight

When we've lost the drive and  heart we had to once more see us  right


When 'Pioneer' means a stereo  and 'Digger' some backhoe

And the  'Outback' is behind the house. there's nowhere  else to go

And 'Anzac' is a biscuit brand  and probably foreign owned

And education  really means brainwashed and neatly  cloned


When you have to bake a loaf  of bread to make a decent crust

And our  heritage once enshrined in gold is crumbling to  dust

And old folk pay their camping fees  on land for which they fought

And fishing  is a great escape; this is until you're  caught


When you see our kids with  yankee caps and resentment in their  eyes

And the soaring crime and hopeless  hearts is no longer a surprise

When the  name of RM Williams is a yuppie clothing  brand

Not a product of our heritage that  grew off the land


When offering a  hand makes people think you'll  amputate

And two dogs meeting in the  street is what you call a 'Mate'

When  'Political Correctness' has replaced all common  sense

When you're forced to see it their  way, there's no sitting on the  fence


Yes one day you might find  yourself an outcast in this land

Perhaps  your heart will tell you then, '. I should have  made a stand'

Just go and ask the farmers  that should remove all doubt

Then join  the swelling ranks who say, '.  don't sell Australia out' 
 

 Author  unknown

A biker & his wife are celebrating their 50th
anniversary. That night the wife approaches her
husband wearing the exact same sexy little
teddy that she wore on their wedding night. She
looks at her husband & says, "Honey, Do you
remember this?"

He looks up at her & says, "Yes dear, I do. You
wore that same negligee the night we were
married."

She says, "That's right. Do you remember what
you said to me that night?"

He nods & says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what is it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said,
"Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out
of those big tits & screw your brains out."

She giggles & says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's
exactly what you said.  So, now it's 50 years later,
 I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What
do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks her up & down & finally replies,
"Mission Accomplished."

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from
the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never
come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Paddy Kearns who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'    

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!  So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!'

 
 

 
only the Irish



1, Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

 

2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.

Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....

 

3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

 

4. Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?

Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

 

5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"....

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

 

6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two.

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
 
 

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened?  You look terrible."


"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg?  You didn't have that before."


"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

 
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?"


The pirate explained, "We were in another battle.  I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. 
My hand was cut off.  I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

 
"What about that eye patch?"


“Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.  I looked up,

and one of them poo in my eye."

 
"You're kidding," said the bartender.  "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poo."


"It was my first day with the hook."
       
 

Have a laugh a this one

PARAPROSDOKIANS:

I had to look  up "paraprosdokians". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which  the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;  frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want  to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokians.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1.  Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you  with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's  still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some  people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with  you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how  to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is  left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not  putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with  'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal  ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is  research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is  where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I  wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill  out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I  put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming  you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the  street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of  a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is  the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God  doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18.  You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive  twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier  to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding  someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now  I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something  stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call  whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to  be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a  garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go  to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28.  Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they  were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of  lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire,  remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

A bloke in London finds his new computer is not working. He returns it to the store and asks for his brick back.

Sheila wants an all over suntan but is not quite sure how to ho about it so she says to Bruce; you reckon I should go sunbathing in the nuddy in the backyard? Yeah, no worries, says Bruce, go for it. But what if the neighbours see me naked, what will they think? Bruce; that I married you for your money.....

Two outback cowboys are having a chat about their favourite sexual positions, when one of them says; I like the rodeo rider.
The rodeo rider? The other cowboy says, what is that, never heard of it! Well, says the first cowboy, when you're doing it doggy style you lean forward, get a firm hold of your wife's boobs and then you whisper in her ear; gee, they feel exactly the same as your sister's.. And then you try to stay on for another ten seconds!!

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?" Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"

Bruce took his missus Sheila to the Ekka in Brissie and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." Sheila playfully nudged Bruce in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." Sheila gave Bruce a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." Sheila, so excited that her elbow nearly broke Bruce's ribs, said, that's once a day, you could REALLY learn something from this one."
Bruce looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if all those times it was with the same old cow."

Bruce and Sheila are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only Sheila and her eight anklebiters are able to fit in the bus. So Bruce and the blind man decide to walk. After a while Bruce gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking !!!!

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Sorry if anyone is offended by this but I thought it was so funny I felt the need to share  :D ;D

Unfortunately this is not a joke!  Wish it was

Note: The post this relates to was removed. Mat R.

The joke is with the part of the population with there head in the sand

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
 

------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
                                                                                                                               
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"

                                                                 
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
 --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

                                                                                                                               
                                                                 
                                                                     
                                            ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"
 

 
 

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. 

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local , 
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' 

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' 

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' 

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' 

Kiwi (look of extreme shock) 

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager) 

Dog: 'Yep' 

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' 

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' 

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' 

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.' 

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' 

Horse: 'Cool' 

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) 

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager) 

Horse: 'Yep' 

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? 

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..' 

Kiwi: (total look of amazement) 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' 

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'Yes, The sheep's a f**k'n liar.

Irish golfer


A Golfer playing in  Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a Little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the Golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little Guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the Golfer says..

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
                              Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the Golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the Golfer walks off.

'What a nice Guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the Golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the Little Guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the Golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the Golfer states.
 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The Golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the Golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the Golfer,
'I figure that's not bad for a 
Catholic Priest In A Small Parish.'
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shut!" Then I would say, “It is dog shut. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Gillard approach of giving you something shutty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

An old man wanted to plant a tomato garden, but it was difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison, and so the old man wrote a letter to his son:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling sad because I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm too old already.
I know if you were here,  you would happily dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologised to the old man and left.

That day, he received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

 

 

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and nickers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourk e

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
 Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not ....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Health & Safety Test

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today. 

One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
 
"Feckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

HaHa, very funny Will, I'm glad I haven't lost my mined yet ;D

Don't laugh too much Franky...... Hate to see ya split ya pelvis  !

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his Bum!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fekin hurts doesn't it!"

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's boobs, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fekin pots!"

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowie?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowie."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowie or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
 
   


 


 
 
   

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"

"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting..." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can?t take that chance!"

1.   My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?   
         Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

2.      The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
         Talk about Dyson with death.

3.      Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
         "Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

4.      I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
         At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

5.      My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

6.      Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
         At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

7.      The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
         So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

8.      A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
         When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

9.      I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
         As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,
         3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
         I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

10.     My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.
         "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

11.     Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. 

12.     I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

13.     I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

14.    I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked on the side of the road.
         The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
         I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

15.    I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
 
 

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO.  It cost half a million dollars ! '

' That's a lot of money,' says the old man.  ' Why does it cost so much?'

' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'

' No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.  Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,  'That's a pretty nice car, all right...  but I'll stick with my Moped !'
 
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again !  The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ' I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you ?'

The old man whispers,

' Unhook my braces from your side view mirror '

Paddy and Murphy need a good drink but only have 50c between them. Paddy has an idea he takes the cash to the butchers and buys a sausage. They enter the first bar and order 2 pints of Guiness and down them in one. When the barman asks for payment, Paddy puts the sausage into his fly and Murphy sucks it!!! The barman goes mental and kicks them both out!!!

By the tenth pub the pair are drunk and Murphy says "I cant do this anymore my knees have gone" Paddy replies "YOUR KNEES!!! I lost the feking sausage in the second pub!!!!!"

Great joke hey my memory with names is poo but are you the bloke with the repaired leg & kwaka 450 that was on the last ride at eildon with pete r?
cheers marko

Close, I have a repaired knee and a Kato but still not allowed to ride so no it would not have been me, you are thinking of Darren.

Yes it was me out on Pete's ride ;D ;D Fatboy's slimmer then me ;D ;D just well chosen name Marko (fatboy slim)

Sorry darren i wont forget next time i see you & are you ridin on pete s 28/1/2012 ride.

Try not laughing at this

For a funny prank call, have a listen to this little girl in Dublin calling the demolition man to knock down her school.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55-q80maP1A

Not really a joke but  I was not sure where to post this question.




Well did she or didnt she?    Rhonda that is.

Monday to Sunday
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No s""t?'


WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder,
she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.
'Your Honour,' she began coolly,
'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'


FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'


SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
     

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
     

Murphy said, "I got to be honest wid ya Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday . I also knew that he had to take off his hat

During Mass & figured he would leave it in da back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."
 
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
 
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
 
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"
 
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, ' I remembered where I left me hat."

Sod it, let's offend everyone!

 
I  came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,  mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A  poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I  told him “I wish I had your will power.”

I  took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers.

 A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”
   
I  walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any  change?” I  said “No, you're still black”.
 
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I  thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!
 
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's wrong?” The boy says “Me ma is dead”.  “Oh  bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
 
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But  since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
 
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to  yourself ....... I'm going to have that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The  Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're  in that basket up there."

I  had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ... which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair ?’ Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A  woman has a medical at the Doctors; “you are grossly overweight” he  says. ”I  want a 2nd opinion”, she exclaimed ” OK- you're bloody ugly as well.”

And your a moderator ::),very naughty but I love it ;D :D ;D :D

Oh Robbo!  You naughty, naughty boy!

 ;D

Effect of these 4 words - I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART
 
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
 
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
 
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
 
The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.
 
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she?

Gold!

On The Bus

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman       
next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

I've watered this down a little but it's still a little blue so if I've over stepped the boundaries then I apologise in advance! Here we go:



A guy walks in to a chemist and says "I need something to keep me hard all night. I've got 3 nymphomaniacs coming over and it's going to be the biggest night of my life!!" So the chemist hands over a bottle of small blue pills and says "Just take one, that will do just fine." To which the guy replies "One mate, this is the biggest night of my LIFE, I'm taking all of them!" With that the guys walks out of the chemist and heads home.

The next morning the same guys drags himself in to the chemist and he looks rat sh$t! Scratch marks all over him, bite marks, and looks like he hasn't slept for weeks. He walks over to the counter, flops his old fella on to the counter and it is red raw. The chemist walks over and the guy says "I need some deep heat". The chemist looks at him in dismay and says "You can't put deep heat on your dick!" The guys looks him right in the eye and says "It's not for my dick mate it's for my arms, the bitches didn't front"

I going down in a lift yesterday, and a woman got in at the fourth floor. She had huge boobs and I was staring at them. When she said "Would you please press 1?", I did. I don't remember anything after that...

Oh Robbo, you naughty, naughty boy!

 :o

Voice Recognition Lift

How technology has improved society - NOT

http://dotsub.com/view/6c5d7514-5656-476a-9504-07dd4e2f6509

Here is one I enjoyed .....

Rodney comes around a corner to head over a footbridge ...
As he rounds the corner he spots his ex girlfriend roxan standing on the hand rail ...

He yells " roxy what in the hell are you doing up their "  she says " I am pregnant with your baby so I am going to jump of this bridge and kill myself "

Well old Rodney looks up at her with a smile on his face and says ... " Roxy not only were you a great root your a bloody dam good sport as well "