Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« on: September 09, 2009, 10,19:31 PM » |
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One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blondes friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2011, 02,49:47 AM » |
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One day in the great forest, a magical frog was
walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big
that the frog had never seen another animal in all his
life. By chance, today, a bear was chasing after a
rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said,
"Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I
will grant you both three wishes.
Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he
was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest,
besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the
stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish
that all the bears in the next forest were female as
well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately
hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was
shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid
things, after all, he could have asked for money and
bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and
then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world,
besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I
wish that the bear was gay."
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2011, 01,43:40 AM » |
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When the shearing sheds are silent and the stock camps fallen quiet
When the gidgee coals no longer glow across the outback night
And the bush is forced to hang a sign, '. gone broke and won't be back'
And spirits fear to find a way beyond the beaten track
When harvesters stand derelict upon the wind swept plains
And brave hearts pin their hopes no more on chance of loving rains
When a hundred outback settlements are ghost towns overnight
When we've lost the drive and heart we had to once more see us right
When 'Pioneer' means a stereo and 'Digger' some backhoe
And the 'Outback' is behind the house. there's nowhere else to go
And 'Anzac' is a biscuit brand and probably foreign owned
And education really means brainwashed and neatly cloned
When you have to bake a loaf of bread to make a decent crust
And our heritage once enshrined in gold is crumbling to dust
And old folk pay their camping fees on land for which they fought
And fishing is a great escape; this is until you're caught
When you see our kids with yankee caps and resentment in their eyes
And the soaring crime and hopeless hearts is no longer a surprise
When the name of RM Williams is a yuppie clothing brand
Not a product of our heritage that grew off the land
When offering a hand makes people think you'll amputate
And two dogs meeting in the street is what you call a 'Mate'
When 'Political Correctness' has replaced all common sense
When you're forced to see it their way, there's no sitting on the fence
Yes one day you might find yourself an outcast in this land
Perhaps your heart will tell you then, '. I should have made a stand'
Just go and ask the farmers that should remove all doubt
Then join the swelling ranks who say, '. don't sell Australia out'
Author unknown
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2011, 02,26:20 AM » |
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A biker & his wife are celebrating their 50th
anniversary. That night the wife approaches her
husband wearing the exact same sexy little
teddy that she wore on their wedding night. She
looks at her husband & says, "Honey, Do you
remember this?"
He looks up at her & says, "Yes dear, I do. You
wore that same negligee the night we were
married."
She says, "That's right. Do you remember what
you said to me that night?"
He nods & says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what is it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said,
"Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out
of those big tits & screw your brains out."
She giggles & says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's
exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later,
I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What
do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks her up & down & finally replies,
"Mission Accomplished."
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2011, 02,30:25 AM » |
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A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2011, 11,22:50 AM » |
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The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from
the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2011, 11,23:40 AM » |
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My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never
come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2011, 11,24:48 AM » |
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The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2011, 11,25:32 AM » |
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Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2011, 11,26:46 AM » |
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Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2011, 11,27:44 AM » |
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Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2011, 11,29:18 AM » |
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One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2011, 04,49:48 AM » |
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Paddy Kearns who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!'
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #13 on: July 16, 2011, 10,22:00 PM » |
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only the Irish
1, Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....
3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
4. Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!
5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"....
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two.
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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Willbar
Full Member 2013/2014
Posts: 2825
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« Reply #14 on: July 17, 2011, 11,19:52 AM » |
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The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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Logged
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old becuase you stop laughing.
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2011 KTM 300 EXC
2000 KTM 125 SX
2001 KTM 300 EXC
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