General Chat

[Willbar]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can?t take that chance!"

[Willbar]

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO.  It cost half a million dollars ! '

' That's a lot of money,' says the old man.  ' Why does it cost so much?'

' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'

' No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.  Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,  'That's a pretty nice car, all right...  but I'll stick with my Moped !'
 
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again !  The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ' I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you ?'

The old man whispers,

' Unhook my braces from your side view mirror '

[marko]

Great joke hey my memory with names is poo but are you the bloke with the repaired leg & kwaka 450 that was on the last ride at eildon with pete r?
cheers marko

[Darren lynch]

Great joke hey my memory with names is poo but are you the bloke with the repaired leg & kwaka 450 that was on the last ride at eildon with pete r?
cheers marko

Yes it was me out on Pete's ride Fatboy's slimmer then me just well chosen name Marko (fatboy slim)

[Willbar]

Try not laughing at this

[Ian Robinson]

Not really a joke but  I was not sure where to post this question.




Well did she or didnt she?    Rhonda that is.

[Ian Robinson]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

[Ian Robinson]

Sod it, let's offend everyone!

 
I  came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,  mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A  poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I  told him “I wish I had your will power.”

I  took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers.

 A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”
   
I  walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any  change?” I  said “No, you're still black”.
 
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I  thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!
 
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What's wrong?” The boy says “Me ma is dead”.  “Oh  bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
 
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But  since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
 
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to  yourself ....... I'm going to have that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The  Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're  in that basket up there."

I  had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ... which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair ?’ Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A  woman has a medical at the Doctors; “you are grossly overweight” he  says. ”I  want a 2nd opinion”, she exclaimed ” OK- you're bloody ugly as well.”