General Chat

[Willbar]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened?  You look terrible."


"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg?  You didn't have that before."


"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

 
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?"


The pirate explained, "We were in another battle.  I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. 
My hand was cut off.  I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

 
"What about that eye patch?"


“Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.  I looked up,

and one of them poo in my eye."

 
"You're kidding," said the bartender.  "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poo."


"It was my first day with the hook."
       
 

[Willbar]

PARAPROSDOKIANS:

I had to look  up "paraprosdokians". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which  the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;  frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want  to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokians.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1.  Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you  with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's  still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some  people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with  you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how  to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is  left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not  putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with  'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal  ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is  research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is  where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I  wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill  out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I  put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming  you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the  street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of  a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is  the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God  doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18.  You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive  twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier  to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding  someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now  I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something  stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call  whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to  be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a  garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go  to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28.  Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they  were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of  lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire,  remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

[Willbar]

Sheila wants an all over suntan but is not quite sure how to ho about it so she says to Bruce; you reckon I should go sunbathing in the nuddy in the backyard? Yeah, no worries, says Bruce, go for it. But what if the neighbours see me naked, what will they think? Bruce; that I married you for your money.....

[Willbar]

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?" Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"

[Willbar]

Bruce and Sheila are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only Sheila and her eight anklebiters are able to fit in the bus. So Bruce and the blind man decide to walk. After a while Bruce gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking !!!!

[Willbar]

Sorry if anyone is offended by this but I thought it was so funny I felt the need to share 

[Willbar]

Unfortunately this is not a joke!  Wish it was

The joke is with the part of the population with there head in the sand

[Willbar]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. 

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local , 
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' 

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' 

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' 

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' 

Kiwi (look of extreme shock) 

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager) 

Dog: 'Yep' 

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' 

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' 

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' 

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.' 

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' 

Horse: 'Cool' 

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) 

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager) 

Horse: 'Yep' 

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? 

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..' 

Kiwi: (total look of amazement) 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' 

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'Yes, The sheep's a f**k'n liar.